THINKING (in) CAP (SLOCK)

allows for complete sleep cycles. so these past few nights, i’ve just been dreaming…
sure, enough sleep is healthy
but i’m not sure if i want to continue sleeping this much. 
not sure if i want to keep seeing him
only to wake up and realize i can’t really talk to him— can’t even see him.
to realize he’s not really here—
no,
to realize he doesn’t even mean anything to me.
it’s just the Idea of him,
not really anyone in particular,
& i am just left with the reality that nobody really means anything to me 

PJ once told me that “when something happens or when somebody says something to me, I could either just react to it or I could just let it go”. If at first it seems hard to understand, then let go some more. Most things, when considered, usually don’t have much consequence to us. I find that more things are noticed when I shut up; being quiet makes me less obnoxious, ignorant, and selfish. Not being busy saying things puts the focus on hearing what others are saying. Try encouragement. Empower someone today.

and at that moment, all i wanted to do was tell her no, that i used to be, and that to this day i regret not following the conviction in my heart; i wonder if she would realize just how much was encompassed in two simple sentences? but no, all i said was ‘Nope’ with a smile. & yet again, i strayed from the conviction in my heart.

as long as we spend time with them…

40,000 people, if even half a percent apply, the count is already at 2,000. Most locations only accept 1. 1,999 students most likely excel in academics, experience, and prestige; then there is Me. This is going to be a long shot. Either way, just the process of applying itself will be a lesson to me.

you are everything
that is bright & clean— the Antonym of Me. 

Nikola Tesla- Mr.Angier, have you considered the cost of such a machine?
Rupert Angier- Price is not an object.
Tesla- Perhaps not… but have you considered the cost? 

BEHOLD, THE GRAVE OF A WICKED MAN,
AND NEAR IT, A STERN SPIRIT.

THERE CAME A DROOPING MAID WITH VIOLETS,
BUT THE SPIRIT GRASPED HER ARM.
“NO FLOWERS FOR HIM,” HE SAID.
THE MAID WEPT:
“AH, I LOVED HIM.”
BUT THE SPIRIT, GRIM AND FROWNING:
“NO FLOWERS FOR HIM.”

NOW, THIS IS IT—-
IF THE SPIRIT WAS JUST,
WHY DID THE MAID WEEP? 

driving at night is quite easy. road signs are the only things you need to understand. traffic is smooth & so is parking. you really are quite alone while driving in the after hours.

driving in the day, however, makes me feel like i’ve crossed into another world. there are just so many drivers on the road at the same time that anything could happen at any moment. suddenly, i have to adjust and be flexible in my route and in my speed. i can’t change lanes whenever i want nor park wherever i want. then i realized all this is simply because the vehicles themselves are controlled by people and driving becomes a little more difficult around people because in general, people are the hardest things to understand.

all you need is love  a car.

music brings people together (:

he was methodical and sounded pretty confident in recalling what had happened. proud, almost, of his own capacity to spend valuable time in hesitation and second guesses instead of simply with her. he doesn’t yet realize those days can never be recovered. wasted moments become memories of wasted moments and it pained me so much to listen. although filled with despair, i tried to reassure him by telling him not to regret the deed, half-hearted as it might’ve sounded, because i knew that as maturity developed, there will come a time of regret and even in the shortest possible duration of it, regret will flood into his heart, threatening to shatter its very walls and it will take everything to stay afloat because to regret is to act without heart and to be there, living, yet not alive, but to live is to firmly step forward without a backwards glance; to live is to be as you are now in this very moment. & i know that because of this, he will become better so as to not repeat these mistakes.

& i don’t see you everywhere;
i can say your name easily.
i laugh a bit louder without you.
& i see different shades now- i’m almost never afraid now.
but when i think i’ll be okay, i am always wrong ‘cause

my hands
        don’t wanna start again
my hands,
        they don’t wanna understand
        they just shake + try to break whatever Peace i may find…my hands,
        they only agree to hold
your hands.
        no they don’t wanna be without
your hands. 

Wake up. Thoughts rush back to last night- back to the moment when she saw me. What did we do? We talked. Although just for a little while, it was just like old times. Up until now, I didn’t realize the fact that my heart (no longer) harboured secret resentment. For a second, the fleeting thought that…. maybe we could be new again… ran through my mind. Guess I held onto that thought before I could brave the memories. Guess I was almost waiting for all the bitterness to flood in, at any moment. Yet when the memories were faced, only neutral feelings came. Strangely, I try again, trying to remember what had made me feel that way against her, but to no avail. Not sure why I tried to do that but I remember the event except remembered bitterness now seemed so irrelevant. & then I thought: Why am I trying to feel so negative. Why not just start again?

& so we shall.
the truth is i’ve missed you

1. doing the most (in your control) to take care of what you have
2. being aware of your surroundings (what is out of your control) in order to take care of what you have) 

so much is encompassed in a single word.
so much i cannot accomplish in this short amount of time…
how can i prove myself?
just gotta do what i can. starting Now.
24 hours; the result doesn’t really matter. i just want to know what i’m capable of.

save all the intriguing, beautiful, and fun places for my boyfriend. i had wanted to save the experience for him; i wanted to show him the places i’d found & the places i liked to walk, before showing anybody else. haha. now, i can’t believe i even wanted to do that because to achieve that would mean intentionally avoiding the busy tourist-y places. it’d mean not wondering & not wandering off the main path. it’d mean finding some place beautiful & keeping it to myself. but no, that’s impossible for me to achieve; if at first it sounded dreamy, now, the reality is just ridiculous. there is a life to live + people to love. i like crowds where everyone is having a good time & where people join together for some kind of purpose. i love exploring; if i find some place nice, i long to bring someone there just so they can share that wonderful sight. btw these sights often involve water; a dock, an ocean, a creek… and lights. what better way to live than to share with those in my life, right now? (:

some might say, ‘well, if you see and try everything now, then he will have nothing new to bring’ but really, it’s never a bad thing to learn as much as you can. it’s not like i can ever finish learning. besides, a place looks different when you see it with someone special…

that incident’s happened many times. not necessarily just the part when you finally see the person you’ve been waiting to see but also the part where you just forget what to say in general. it’s just the anticipation combined with a slight nervous feeling. too often we get confused and tell ourselves that what we feel might mean something more than just that anticipation. or is it just me? or should i say ‘was’?

it always feels a little odd looking back at yourself the way you see things now…
& again, romantic sounding things are just literal things. 

things sound better on paper.
where is my Capacity?
what’s wrong with my Motive? why can’t i have the right moment?  

this aligns with ‘say what you mean & mean what you say’ so i must take a breath and then take a step. i wonder if i will succeed; yet what is success? is it always about getting what i want? i guess success would be knowing i’ve tried my best to be patient, calm, and humble. perhaps i will just have to keep on trying. it just got so much harder to breathe.

feel removed from your words, to feel outside of what you’re saying, to feel like somebody other than yourself is saying them. why am i not saying what i mean? why am i reduced to just mindless + heartless speech? 

for when our hearts were far away,
your love went further still-
yes your love goes further still.