THINKING (in) CAP (SLOCK)

because then others will know what i am feeling at that very moment; it’d be out of my control if people if ppl draw incorrect conclusions on the situation or if ppl can somehow put the pieces together on what i’m talking about and i didn’t want to be that vulnerable. so i’ve actually tried writing after the fact but then it just feels like the moment has passed; why talk about something i no longer have feeling for? why focus on looking back? so i won’t hesitate today; i will write what i have to say. 

it’s so typical to be negative about change. even more typical when it’s a change in relationships and when you are part of someone’s past. it’s odd because i don’t want to feel any pain but still half expecting it to hit me any second now and i want to be wrong about it yet doubting myself at the same time. that half-hearted expectation means not believing the learning up to now had been Real. but it was all very real and i’ve slowly but surely become a little stronger. i do believe ive changed except, i also want to keep changing; i want to keep being better because i don’t want to be so Typical. i don’t want to be that predictable. i don’t want to be that baggage weighing someone down; that’s so detrimental to one’s character and i want none of it. in a time and place where things can become old and stale and stifling, i just want to be a breath of fresh air.

such a fool. irresponsible. selfish. how can i only want to make them happy now?

edit: can you remember that sense of freedom after being forgiven? and that determination?

was what some guy said to me once, along with negative connotations. He said it in a teasing/meant-to-be-harmless kind of way so all I could say was some other random harmless reply. But it made me wonder…’You’re so easily amused’ as compared to what? Impossible to amuse? Never able to laugh? Always serious? At least I’ll always be entertained. I mean, it’s not like ‘easily amused’ means ‘easily impressed’. But then again, it’s not like being easily impressed means I’ll do anything more than just be impressed.

Strange how assumptions all just blend together…

‘I have time.’

Doesn’t that just sound kinda peaceful?

it’s not meant to be.
even if it’s just a simple thing, if the time isn’t right for you to have it, when you go look for it, it will be just out of reach; but don’t break your step. it’s true that most things are achieved through hard work but on the other hand, some things are meant to be found along the way; just let go & let yourself be Surprised~

is one of the things i rarely seriously ask others out loud, not because i understand everything, but because it’s usually one of those things that just ‘is’ a certain way & there isn’t really an answer somebody could literally give me, and usually one of those instances where i may already know the answer yet not quite accepting it because i believe there must be another way. & i’m just here, wishing i wasn’t so indifferent right now. wish i was closer to one of the ends of the spectrum instead of finding myself at a neutral pH=7…….. because neutral is so boring! i am just not even paying attention anymore & i’m sorry because i wish i was, yet since i’m not doing anything, then does it mean that it isn’t really my wish? i don’t understand.

No, actually, today was a day of a few self accomplishments. No time to fully look back yet- need to get (way) better.

& i’m still so stubborn… but i guess i just want to stay this way; is it redundant to be stubborn about being stubborn? literally, yes, but practically, no, not reeaally…

i’ve been trying to discern when it’s appropriate to ask for help and when it is seen as being too needy. the difference between the two is unclear. as in, not really knowing when it is which. it’s just that once i know how to do something and it’s possible to complete it by myself, even if it might take me a little more time and a little more effort, i would just try that. plus stubbornness. plus a calmness because i actually think it’s okay to do it myself. so even if somebody offered to help, it’d be hard for them to assert themselves just because i’m able to reassure them that i’m gonna be fine; how can they resist? they can’t really… because if they offered any more, they’d worry about being pushy and they’d stop. which works great for me because then i don’t have to keep on reassuring. it makes sense though, doesn’t it? by making their life hard for a moment, i can make their life easy for a few more.

& then it occurred to me that sometimes, maybe it’s good to be willing to receive help. friends help each other right? psychology says that people generally feel closer to those they help because in their mind, that exertion of effort would only make sense if they were good friends. so it’s good to let people show their kindness and friendship towards you… but still, i just can’t pretend i don’t know something just to be friends with someone. not a fan of pretending to be ignorant. how can i lie to myself that way? how can i put a limit on myself? USE the knowledge you have + do what you can with it! Who knows what your limits are? Isn’t that part of being who you are and striving to be your best?

& then i realized: i don’t have to limit myself that way. i can be myself without such worries because if i were to just pursue the good things and try to keep being better, the ones who matter will still be there beside me and they are the ones that come find me (:

these doubts + second thoughts are stifling and so stale and i wish there was a window to let all the old air out. now that i’m getting more sleep, i’ve been starting to dream again too, which has not happened in awhile. they say dreams are your subconscious thoughts sorting themselves out. how else can such incoherent trains of thought + fears + desires even begin to make sense to us? it’s strange how i usually make mistakes only to wake up and realize it didn’t actually happen. dreams are just the reality that’s never occurred to us.

Romance & Naivete, Self Defence & Cynicism… 

not even remembering the words that were spoken to me. i mean, it just feels so Objective, not Personal like it was before; it’s not apathy. i still feel concern and interest and all those things in general but i just don’t feel so attached. guess i’ve let go. 

i wonder… for how long have i been this way? you could never really put a Time on these things.

i really like these linear perspective photos. i hope the fact that this kind of picture, called ‘one point perspective’, doesn’t literally say something about my own perspective. yikes. on another note, i should try some of these other perspectives such as 2 point or Foreshortening.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perspective_(graphical)  .

 ”If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” —— James 1:5-8

what’s the point of asking for wisdom if i’m just going to try and do everything myself anyways? there is a sort of faith in asking for help; letting somebody know your need is vulnerable. i can’t want somebody to help and still want to do it myself; so double-minded. often, my regret comes from thinking i could have done something better, or done something in a different way, so i try to take it back. as if i could just Undo. and then i regret the fact that i regret. such a stupid cycle for me to be in. God knows all the things in my heart. if i ask, i could at least wait and let him give me an answer.

Perfect. but because i don’t, that is an underlying idea to regret.

mistakes are made, more often than not, because of my impatience. plus i also like to fix things in general. not in a mechanical sense where i would be some sort of handyman but just in the sense where if i see something not quite right (usually due to smth i’ve said/done) and if there is something i could possibly do about it, i would do something about it. so these two things become quite a deadly combination for me to have; i say & do things i wish i could take back because i say & do them in Haste. but i can’t just keep regretting. my sister always tells me to not look back, to not take it back, and keep looking forward so i will live Now and won’t regret in the future anymore.

i just need to remember to let god work in his own time; there is a time for everything. i just have the accept the fact that i make mistakes. painful as consequences may be, i can’t just keep trying to take back what i’ve said. plus, this sleeping late business is making my skin break out D: NO GOOD! N.G. N.G.!!!

it seems we just spend time together just because there is nobody else to be with. the funny thing is i don’t really mind because i havent given thought to you at all. you just don’t stay on my mind; we’re both so occupied with everything + everyone else. it’s always good to have a back-up, right?

but now that i have given thought to this, i do mind. isn’t it scary at all? to never be first choice? not that i want to be, because i don’t, but just think about that feeling when you want someone only to discover they want somebody else? let’s keep This this way. i do mind the fact that i don’t mind; how have i become to unattached? since when have i begun seeing things as so Temporary? as only Momentary? i look at all his generous words and smiles and realize i’ve become so cold; how is it that i have trouble deciding whether to say something or not. to embrace, or not. why do i analyse so much? why am i so stingy? for the sake of not being misunderstood? for the sake of trying to make sure they know i don’t come easy? does it even work like that? is it even worth it?

how do you make things easy without being easy?

all i know is: we both have someone else in the back of our minds (good + bad) & we just happen to be the other’s escape. this is good.

writing here only so i can save the last page of my book for something Happy. ahh so stubborn. (>___>)

So I’m just going to step off the welcome mat now, only to hear my own footsteps resound in the hollow of the wooden porch as I walk past the porch swing, down the steps, through the car park & then… I don’t even remember anymore; the rest of the way out of that familiar driveway is all but a haze. For the past little while, it seemed all the paths just led back to that same old door, always closed, but today, I’ll just tread lightly over the grass and try that cobblestone path I never noticed before. The air is crisp after the last few days rain. Blue sky begins to emerge as sunlight pierces that stifling grey blanket over my head at, coincidently, the same rate that I begin to let go of you.

between a Lens & a Mirror.

which one would be liked more? the Lens? or the Mirror? one gives clarity and a different perspective of all surroundings. the other reflects and gives a different perspective of the self. how would a decision be made? are they even comparable? …is one replaceable? why does it matter. because sometimes you can only choose one. can’t two things be different and can’t that fact just be accepted? yes, i accept that. it’s just that you can only choose one & i’ll be forgotten (so i’ll run to those who remember me.)

i’d want a lens. but all this glass is stifling so i will open the Window.

have i asked for something only to realize i don’t really know what i want? how many instances have i caught myself discarding the very moment i searched for? why do i sabotage myself? it’s all these intangible intentions, words, analysis, and realizations that cannot be held in the palm of my hand.

to say something that encourages somebody to share & then not acknowledge, or not reassure, or not give a genuine reply… should it really be a surprise to find a general lack of interest? even just the simple little everyday things. yet the little things are also the important things. so why do i commit what i despise? why do i feel a need act opposite of what i feel? all this hypocrisy + pride. it comes from some kind of fear. is there a label for the facade that acts worse than it really is? is it called Stupidity? Stubbornness? it’s easier to be disliked for what you aren’t, than for what you are. but what have i got to be afraid of…?

not unlike a compass that wants to stay so true to North for the owner, yet each time it’s checked, it points South just so it won’t get caught being good to them, when in reality, ‘good’ isn’t even that Good. stupid compass; throw this one out & find a navigator. is that really how it goes?