THINKING (in) CAP (SLOCK)

somehow, i like washing dishes together.

my goodness. 2 hours and 45 minutes of pure sweeping of the floor.
i cannot do this sort of physical task around environments that need to be cleaned by me.
i hate cleaning. mostly because people just leave it for someone else to do & it’s so grimy.
i’m not complaining about my job; work is good.

just that now, i must do well in school.
just. cannot do manual labour for the rest of my life. that is all.

you didn’t call me right away; you waited until you got to your room so that our call wouldn’t be dropped during the elevator.

your directness.
i myself used to be more direct but…
all this time, i’ve been working on euphemisms, indirect speech, layered conversations, and equivocation.
i both love and hate those.
but it just blows my mind. 
i’ve developed all that to a point where we failed to communicate. 

but i don’t have to decide on anything so it doesn’t matter to me.
simple.

improving equivocation and layered speech backfires when communication fails. 

                take time to realize
                this all can pass you by
                didn’t i tell you?
how can we make it
if you’re never gonna let me in?
i keep holding on until you realize
                what i just realized,
                then we’d never have to wonder 

VS
one that you keep thinking about.

these should not be different people
yet
how often is that not the case? 

you’re telling me all this stuff so that i see where you’re coming from but i don’t know where you want to go so what do you want me to do?

how can i give you All of me
when all i get is Half of you?
if all you give is half of you?
i just get half of you..

technically, it’s possible. you could be that selfless and give your all.
but when you do that, do you even love your self?
maybe you should be a little more self-ish.

“A celebration of his life will be held on Saturday, Nov. 27 at the Richmond Funeral Home, 8420 Cambie Rd., Richmond, BC at 2 p.m. Private cremation arranged at a later date.”

WHY DO I HAVE WORK AT THAT TIME. OMG. SO CLOSE. & YET… … 

Lam had taken on his high office with reluctance. When he was appointed by then prime minister Brian Mulroney, he was anxious about becoming the first ethnic Chinese lieutenant governor in Canadian history.
         “I turned the job down two times,” he said, “I was not born here. English is not my first language. Try to imagine being appointed lieutenant-governor of Quebec and see what intimidation you will face. Then I thought: ‘The real shortcoming is my imagined shortcomings.’”

(when papers ruin sleep schedules and you don’t fix it because you like staying up anyways.)

He seemed to love all Canadians, and they returned the favour— even if he couldn’t smile to show his appreciation.
       Around the time he accepted the lieutenant-governor’s role, he developed a minor facial paralysis called Bell’s Palsy, which made his left eye droop. He hoped people would be tolerant. He said: “People ask, ‘Why don’t you smile any more? Aren’t you happy?’ Well, damn it, I can’t smile.”

LOL. SO real. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, David Lam. May he rest in peace.

Each year, David Lam gave 350 speeches, wrote 1000 letters, and entertained 2000 visitors at Government House on Rockland Avenue in Victoria. The rate of invitations tripled after he came into office.

“With his strong commitment to fairness, social cohesion, and peaceful change, he urged Canadians to embrace immigrants from all corners of the world, saying “the old B.C. has come” and “we must expect growing pains.”
         He adamantly maintained Canadians were not racist and had little patience for immigrants who would trot out the accusation at the first hint of intercultural conflict.
         At the same time, as he praised Canadian laws for combating discrimination against immigrants, however, he realized lawmakers couldn’t do everything to bring about social harmony. “You can’t legislate love,” he said.
         That’s one of the reasons he constantly urged East Asian immigrants to strive to fit into and enhance Canadian culture. He’d often chide new Chinese immigrants for their insularity, for their large homes, and for their showy cars. He said people from East Asia often gave off mixed messages and annoyed people because they constantly struggle with “a tremendous inner conflict of inferiority and superiority.”

        In his 1996 biography, Lam revealed he wanted to lower British Columbians’ apprehensions about Chiense immigrants when Vancouver was becoming known as “Hongcouver” and the flood of rich immigrants was inflating real estate prices, building oversized homes and cutting down neighbourhood trees.
        He advised Chinese immigrants, who now account for more than one in 10 British Columbians, to learn English, avoid clustering in wealthy ghettos, support a clean environment, and respect heritage buildings and landscaping.
        He also advised them in Canadian manners: Be friendly, smile, say please and thank you, make eye contact, and avoid concentrating on individual success.

I’m gonna sit right here & tell you all that comes to me
               Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
If you got something to say,
you should say right now:

                 All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
                 Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
                 Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again

Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we’ve got something to say,
We should say right now…  

               And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
               Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart 

You give me a feeling that i’ve never felt before 
               and my burden to bear is a love I can’t carry anymore

7 lines from each song (it just happened actually) and if you know ‘Unthinkable’, you’d know it’s the complete opposite of ‘Breathe Again’ in everything… time, feeling. it’s a little scary how the combined lyrics change the whole intended meaning of that song. haven’t done one of these juxtapositions in awhile… OK now back to actual writing.

equivocation. 

always makes me want to forget all my responsibilities
when it snows (: 

so…
what? 

i rather have the day to day things than one big moment.

i don’t really stress over stuff in school as much as other people and i’m proud of that. but i was so wrong to be proud & today i realized why: i don’t have anything at stake.
what is my goal? what do i have to lose?
where is my Ambition?
where is my passion?

we need to challenge ourselves to grow. how can i live with nothing to lose?
i need to challenge myself.
i’m not that confident but there’s no use doubting that much either.
i’m not even that awkward. slowly but surely, i can get by.

today, i saw a different side of you
& now, there’s no way i can stay the way i am now.

truth is, i want to become just as good, or even better than, you. 
you’ll never see me exactly the way i was today ever again; you’ll see.